Camouflage

Living abroad can be stressful. Blending in can be impossible and flowing with the grain can be difficult . If you happen to be living in Taipei, here are some tips to help you become a little more Taiwanese.

1. Never sit next to foreigners on public transportation. No matter how far you have to go, you would rather stand than sit next to a Lao Wai. When she/he gets up to get off the train or bus wait three seconds and then rush the vacant seat in a no holds bar grudge match with all the other passengers.


2. Walk with a stagger and constantly veer side to side. In other words, never walk in a straight line. Use the space around you.


3. Develop a taste for food that smells like the toilet. The stinkier the food the better. Stinky Tofu should be your favorite. Also, delight in seeing foreigners grow pale and wrinkle nosed when they try this rotten smelling dish.


4. Use idioms to disguise gross body functions . For example"Chasing the rabbit", this means to vomit. Or "playing with my gun", masturbating. I agree, that last one is obvious but I wanted to use it.


5. Oil and water shake hands. "Fashion" means taking two diametrically opposite styles and attempting to be the ambassador that bridges the two with peace talks. For example, 80's hair metal and thugged out rap are commonly wed. Hair styles that were stolen relics from tombs for the 80's, bright neon color clashes worn with new Nike's, baggy jeans with bizarre back pocket design and a "hip hop" t-shirt. Dress to impress and look like your on you way to the club. are commandment in your Bible. Look terribly self conscious by fixing your hair by in window reflections and always carry a shiny shoulder bag. If your a girl, one last word...Boots.