Happy Birthday Old Dude! (a Bill and Ted quote?)

Ma Zu (spelling?) is one of the most popular gods worshiped in Taiwan, if not the most. Her birthday was this past Saturday and Taiwan celebrated as her followers passed her image from South to North on a week long journey. Behind my apartment is a temple dedicated to Ma Zu. The performances and rituals I saw Saturday night were raw and unrefined but inundated with enthusiasm. The dances got out of sync, at times the dancers themselves wore faces lost in confusion, music would lose time and become choppy at moments, but damn were these people into it.

All the performers were men, albeit Ma Zu is female. The only Women I saw carried the food offerings on plates or sang on a small stage, sometimes in underwear, that was drowned out by percussion heavy Chinese "temple" music. An interesting note of observation from my eyes. A lot of male participants and on lookers chewed beetle nut which looks similar to a green Acorn and is chewed for a particular sensation and makes your teeth a blood red color for an affect of fresh fist fight or an attempt at imitating an Andrew W.K. record cover. Some of the dancers seemed to be heavily tattooed, a stereotype of working class, gangster class, or maybe masculinity that carries the label "Tai Ke". Still a fairly vague term that escapes an exact definition for me, but don't worry I am working on that. The first dance group I saw starting getting really excited when they noticed I had tattoos and began showing off their friends Chuckie portrait (the horror movie series) on his left calf and Chuckie's bride on his right. Other participants were inviting and welcomed me to watch. A few would inform me of what I was watching and when I didn't understand my friend Wei Wei would translate. One participant asked me my opinion about how good the performance was and then told me I should go down to southern Taiwan next year because the celebration is bigger there.

I think the most perplexing aspect of all this was the musical dual. There was a huge bass drum on wheels that was larger than a grown man. Attached to the sides were two smaller drums each played by a college aged looking male whom pumped a pulse into the percussion heavy Chinese music. Behind this drum wagon followed various cymbal players. In stark contrast and competition with this was a stage performance of some kind of live music that filled in the gaps when the drum wagon lulled. They were losing the contest. The band had a drummer and various other unknown instruments with. I could not make out their sound because like I said, the stage was losing the competition. The singers were women who took turns singing songs. For some reason, one performed in her underwear or bikini. Which it was I'm not too sure. I was confused why she had this on. On the other hand, it could be obvious. Sex appeal is an m.o.

Overall, it was a display of something very Taiwanese. The dancers who were costumed as the 8 protectors of Ma Zu were pretty cool and dressed a little terrifying as they performed their dance that symbolized scouting for ghosts or people who may want to harm Ma. At least, I think that's what I was watching.

Milk It

Every Monday I ask people how their weekend was. My co-workers, my students, anyone who looks for a conversation. It's shooting the shit and inconsequential but its necessary to social existence. I know this, so does everybody else. The question is often taken for granted and ignores the fact that someone may one day blow your mind all over the office wall with their retelling of their shenanigans.

This Monday for example, I asked my manager "What did you do this weekend"? He casually with, "I milked a rat".
......Milk a rat? is that possible? How the fuck do you milk a rat?
I of course asked him two questions. First, "are you serious" to which he said, "yes". The inquiring child inside me of course followed up with the ultimate "How"?

To make his story short, I will sum it up with this. Capture a rat who recently birthed vermin somewhere in your house, restrain with a vet cone (one your dog/cat wore when you took his balls) and then proceed to milk it.

ME: "Why"?
MGR: "I had never milked a rat before and I always wanted to try"

That's a weekend in a life.

Been a Long Time Comin'

Taiwan hangs in the balance of it's distance from China. The farther away Taipei can place itself from Beijing the closer it gets to international recognition as a sovereign state. A confrontation over their opposing interests is not a desired option for Taiwan but neither is reunification. The later has Taiwanese and some westerners asking questions about some of the current administrations perplexing decisions.



The most recent piece of legislation is the Comprehensive Economic Cooperation Agreement, or CECA, with China. It would allow the free flow of services, capital, and goods across the strait that separates these two neighbors in a time of economic crisis. Ultimately, the CECA would make Taiwan rely more heavily on China for commerce and trade. In other words, more economically dependent. In the modern age, economic dependence is the new imperialism. If independence is a main objective for Taiwanese politics then increased economic dependence on the country that refers to you as a "rogue province of separatists and rebels that needs to be liberated from feudal traditions" might be a, how to say it?, bad Idea. I don't know how India and the Philippines did it, but I seem to recall the U.S. into their economic relationship with England in their quest for independence, right? (really, is this right?). Then again, that did result in a war.
In the 21st century China hasn't changed their view on Taiwan too much. One comrade on the mainland referred to the CECA as "a start toward full cross-straits economic integration and a necessary condition for marching forward toward final unification." (Washington post, Beijing 2/23/2009) You have to love the rhetoric, or imperial edicts if you prefer, of Chinese propaganda.

Too many Taiwanese youth are apathetic to this issue. They don't see it as a problem because they don't believe Taiwan has a chance of returning to China with a grand reunification ceremony. Nor do they think China is that different from Taiwan in terms of freedom. Man, is that one thing they couldn't be more wrong about? Some adults here are also interested in discussing the possibility of reunification with the mainland for economic purposes. "Screw human rights, we can sell it". It's amazing what some people are willing to sacrifice for a quick buck, or just the prospect of a quick buck. I would guess, yes guess, reality would be a fast metamorphosis to regret. There is no definite relationship between joining China and making more money, Hong Kong is a good case in point. The fact that some of my students have expressed the above opinions is disheartening. Taiwan just gotta stay Taiwan.

"From the head to the expression"---> What does that mean?....vol 1

I opened my eyes and lifted my head up. I looked across the train and saw a girl asleep. Her head was resting against the plastic divider between her seat and the car's door. In front of her was shopping bag that read:

Is Marijuana really so bad for me?

this was written around the iconic image of a pot leaf. Most Taiwanese do not know what this leaf is. They like it because they see it inc American culture. It's hilarious to see grandmas wearing a shirt with a giant pot leaf and rasta colored stripes.


This morning I was able to find a seat on the bus. Quite easily too. At the next stop a girl climbed onto the bus and stood with her back towards me. On her T-shirts was written:

Bus trip (the brand of her t-shirt)

Around "bus trip" were the words:

from the head to the expression

The first and only thing I thought was, "what does that mean?". Is it a metaphor? an innuendo? Just incorrect English? what could "from the head to the expression" possibly mean?

Camouflage

Living abroad can be stressful. Blending in can be impossible and flowing with the grain can be difficult . If you happen to be living in Taipei, here are some tips to help you become a little more Taiwanese.

1. Never sit next to foreigners on public transportation. No matter how far you have to go, you would rather stand than sit next to a Lao Wai. When she/he gets up to get off the train or bus wait three seconds and then rush the vacant seat in a no holds bar grudge match with all the other passengers.


2. Walk with a stagger and constantly veer side to side. In other words, never walk in a straight line. Use the space around you.


3. Develop a taste for food that smells like the toilet. The stinkier the food the better. Stinky Tofu should be your favorite. Also, delight in seeing foreigners grow pale and wrinkle nosed when they try this rotten smelling dish.


4. Use idioms to disguise gross body functions . For example"Chasing the rabbit", this means to vomit. Or "playing with my gun", masturbating. I agree, that last one is obvious but I wanted to use it.


5. Oil and water shake hands. "Fashion" means taking two diametrically opposite styles and attempting to be the ambassador that bridges the two with peace talks. For example, 80's hair metal and thugged out rap are commonly wed. Hair styles that were stolen relics from tombs for the 80's, bright neon color clashes worn with new Nike's, baggy jeans with bizarre back pocket design and a "hip hop" t-shirt. Dress to impress and look like your on you way to the club. are commandment in your Bible. Look terribly self conscious by fixing your hair by in window reflections and always carry a shiny shoulder bag. If your a girl, one last word...Boots.

Dirty Eyes and One Treacherous Finger

The train car rocked back and forth as it rolled over the track towards it's various destinations. At every stop, one group of spent financial invalids were returned to their hives and exchanged for the tomb sweepers of the economy. It was the ten o'clock hour and a day of work had been exhausting. My eyes were closed and my body was in tune with the sway of the train. When the train arrived at my station I stepped off and began walking toward the escalator. Four steps before my foot would find the platform that would soon become a stair, I looked up from the ground and found the first pair of glaring eyes. They were slighting and prejudiced. Each one was an open book that was being written by the shaky hand of a pretentious fraud. The title: Confessions of the wanna-be thug. Behind this lanky, giant, glass body walked two others.

At the top of the escalator an inclination to turn around came over me. I found all three young men doing the same. They were going in the opposite direction toward the train. There was some nudging about them until one gave me the finger. My body became hot and my legs uncontrollably hurried up the remaining stairs. I took my headphones off and wrapped them around my ipod then put it in my pocket. By now I was already down the first escalator and was taking my sweater off as I descended the second toward the boys on the platform where people would be waiting for the train to take them back to their hives.

I stood behind the giant and waited. None of them looked long but all took notice of the familiar eyes standing uncomfortably close and now rabid. I noticed a co-worker in front of the line waiting for his train. "Shit, I can't just hit this guy in front of a work mate", I say to myself. " What will he think? How would I explain this at work? Wait... what am I doing? "Did I just say mate?"

This made me cooler but I was still hot, I was up, I wanted blood and I didn't know why. Where are the middle fingers now, you gutless shits? The first train arrived and neither of the three boys got on. The giant skeleton, only a year or two out of high school, moves aside and makes a more than polite gesture that signals this is not their train and for me to board in front of them.

"I'm good right here, fuck tard".

He turns around and joins his friends in silent fear. I could smell it. We could all smell it. They had watched to many movies they didn't understand and I had pent up frustration waiting for release. The second train came and I watched them board. As the doors closed the three boys all took out their cell phones and looked up find relief in my presence not on the train. I let my eyes meet theirs for one last time. No middle fingers, no nudging, no words. I went back up the escalator to hot to sleep. I walked down the street to the bar and had a beer.

Sideburns and teeth

I cut my chops too short yesterday. They are a bit itchy and have a resemblance to dirt streaks running down my face. Also, My hair is short now and the sideburns look outta place. Ill keep 'em for the time being.

Two weeks ago, prior to haircuts, I was eating beef jerky after a night of drinking and wandering Taipei's seedy districts. While chewing, I started to hear a crunch. "I wonder what that is?" Swallowing the mush, my tongue made a discovery on the right side of my mouth. I stand up and walk into the bathroom to peer in the mirror. A large chunk of a tooth had broken off leaving a rotten core exposed. The broken piece resides in the bowels of my stomach. I hope I crap it out so that my stomach doesn't get a cavity.